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FUNNY STUFF
fun stuff page 1 / Fun Stuff Page 2

In My Next Life
I'm definitely going to be a bear in my next life. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup....Gonna be a bear.
Actual Signs across the USA.
******************************************
DUH!!
Hmmm...sounds like a Stephen King novel.
This town is trying to reduce its local population.
Make your choice and start your engines
Maybe the sign should have read
"Pass With Care - Right Side Up"
Younger painters need not apply!
Sure hope everyone brought along an empty coffee can or a mason jar.
They actually have to put a sign up to
keep people from doing this?
80% guaranteed.
Oh, I don't know!
As far as killing ourselves is concerned - worries...church - sounds like a tossup to me.
Do you think they ran out of Canola oil?
Besides, they aren't in season right now!
Thanks, but I think I'll just keep driving.
Perfect road for a getaway.
Run, Bullwinkle, run!!
Oh, there has to be some circumstance
when it's allowed.
Fast elderly people must cross elsewhere.
Tattoos done while you wait?
So does that mean you can't leave a body part and go shopping while your tattoo is being done?
I wonder how long they'd remain your best friend?
Now, as you drive down the highways and byways, enjoying these funny signs, if you ever come across...a two-story outhouse - take my advice and use the upper one.
The Way to be the Best Wife According to Good Housekeeping Magazine. Click on Picture to read it!!
Two New Additions to the Periodic Table of Elements
Element name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if
not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO (WOMANIUM) any chance it can
get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time.Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.CAUTION: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile deltas.
> > >
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for
someone with cash.
> > >
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
> > >
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
> > >
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war
- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is
now necessary.
> > >
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
people away.
> > >
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with
a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
> > >
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone
knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
> > > -------
> >
> >
On the other hand
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick
"BABY QUESTIONS"
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
8 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
8. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
It' s a girl thing.
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon and as he sat facing her
old pump organ, he noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated a condom. When she returned with tea
and cookies, the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity, but finally he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
100 Years Ago
=======
THE YEAR 1904
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904, one hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven
dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of
paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and
a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at
home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax
or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the
country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been
admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been
invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the
counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion,
gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels,
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-
time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself,
and sent it to you in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ....
it staggers the mind.
Funny Baby Songs and Parodies at www.flowgo.com
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet Coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Life Explained...
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